In March, Chrissy Teigen announced that, years ago, she got breast implants.
In May, Chrissy Teigen explained that she planned to have her breast implants removed.
In June, Chrissy Teigen shared that she ate a cake shaped like her removed breast implants.
And then, just when it seemed as if the world was going to run out of Chrissy Teigen content and have to start all over from the beginning, I saw that Chrissy Teigen bought a lizard and named it Sebastian.
Sebastian is a bearded dragon, a Pogona vitticeps, a member of the reptile class, and an animal I have to exert myself to think of as different from a nephew or a cousin. Chrissy Teigen gifted him to her son, Miles, for his second birthday. But in a way, she also gifted Sebastian to me.
I appreciate that Chrissy Teigen is a dynamic and powerful woman who managed to pivot from being a supermodel to, essentially, serving as a comedian-influencer while maintaining a cooking empire as well as a philanthropy and activism practice. Shortly after she acquired a pet lizard, Chrissy Teigen gave $200,000 to bail out protesters who were arrested demanding accountability for police brutality.
She is more than just a celebrity lizard owner. And yet.
I know that Chrissy Teigen’s reptile ownership is just one facet of the large and beautiful gem that is Chrissy Teigen’s existence, but it is the facet I have clung to, the way a lizard clings to a horizontal wall, during these trying times. Too single to have a baby, too disorganized to adopt a cat or dog, and too aesthetically idiotic to become a plant influencer, I practice consistently caring for another living being by tracking Sebastian’s progress through his digital appearances.
Chrissy teased the arrival of Sebastian like a masterful playwright building toward a shocking Act I climax. “Has anyone had a bearded dragon before? Tell me your experience please, I heard they are so kind,” she tweeted on May 12.
A lizard? Described as “so kind”? I am listening!
Thousands of people stepped up to tell her that bearded dragons are loving pets, and good at wearing tiny hats and minuscule shark costumes. Just 24 hours later, she shared a tweet about Nichole Richie bringing her bearded dragon on television. Nicole Richie—to me, this is someone who contains multitudes, who has always been accused of not containing multitudes. Still, I did not expect Nicole Richie to reveal herself as a lizard parenting expert.
“Bearded dragons are really chill, actually. They’re really great with kids,” Nicole Richie said during her TV appearance that day. “They just like to be held. They like to sit in the heat. They like it, like, 110 degrees. And they just, like, lay in the heat and chill. And I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s what I like to do.’”
That same day Chrissy announced, “Yes I am now a proud bearded dragon owner! he is very little right now—I got him for Miles’ birthday but I know we will share a lifetime of happiness and cuddles (well his lifetime) (maybe mine at this stress rate).”
Wow! Not only do we meet the family’s new pet reptile in this tweet, we also encounter the darkly funny reality of mortality, both human and lizard. Life is a cabaret, Teigen seems to suggest, that will end in your death. In the interim, it may make sense to buy a lizard.
I was hooked.
Finally we met the bearded dragon, petite and blue-green like an eyelash extension model’s eyes. Nameless. New. Perfect. But almost as if the unnamed bearded dragon was a baby I had birthed into this gorgeous and startling void we call life, I began to worry for its safety. How would that tiny, tiny lizard survive on the giant Teigen-Legend property? Through no fault of its caretakers, wouldn’t Sebastian scamper away, climb through an air duct, and never be seen again?
I commenced some lizard research of my own. “They are usually even-tempered and seem to tolerate human interaction,” the PetCo website informed me. I love to imagine that Sebastian is the sole being who can be described as merely “tolerating” Chrissy Teigen, John Legend, and their beautiful genius children.
“The bearded dragon is one of the most rewarding lizards you can keep as a pet,” a nice man who goes by Tiki said in a 10-minute YouTube video about lizards that I watched three times. “These guys are very, very docile. They’re not called the lap lizard for no reason.” Bearded dragons are “one of the all-time best lizard pets,” Reptiles Magazine concurred. I learned that bearded dragons love to “bask” and that you should give baby bearded dragons a soak at least once a week. Will Emmy-, Grammy-, Oscar-, and Tony-winning John Legend be giving his son’s baby lizard a weekly soak? I like to think so.
The toddler-aged reptile, whom I have personally never met, has quickly become a focal point of my day. Early each morning, I scour the internet for Sebastian content, scrolling through Instagram and Twitter, Teigen’s twin empires. I check tabloids for paparazzi shots of Sebastian, sunning himself on the estate he shares with the family. I watch compilation videos of Sebastian’s journey. I watch an IG story of Chrissy and her two-year-old son Miles playing Hungry Hippos, and I think about how I am a hippo, hungry for more media featuring Sebastian.
Grown to the size of a beautiful sperm, the lizard appeared in a video on Chrissy’s Twitter, where he was measured and weighed. (Sebastian is a quarter of an ounce. Miles is a comparatively hefty 25 pounds, making him the weight of approximately 1,600 lizards.) Early in Sebastian’s media career, he appeared in absentia in a Teigen post—a picture of Miles sitting next to a sign showing off his weight, height, and the prompt “I don’t like…” followed by the words, “my pet bearded dragon.” Real Housewives is canceled, replaced by celebrity children doing talking-head segments, talking trash about their pet lizards. But on June 18, Teigen posted a picture of Sebastian repelling up Miles’s pajama-clad body, with the caption, “He LOOOOOVES his beardy now.”
On June 20 every Teigen summer storyline came together in one satisfying twist, when she Instagram story-d a picture of Sebastian resting on her “healing boobies.” I too am healing by way of Sebastian.
There is a special pleasure in watching this inhumanly beautiful, rich family interact with a minuscule reptile. Teigen’s voice sounds like a seltzer can slowly cracking open. And her family’s home has the kind of luxury I have only experienced personally while loitering in a Restoration Hardware. But knowing that all this gentle luxury is now being intermingled with a small scaly animal and its (according to pet websites) thousands of cricket and cockroach snacks? This is what puts this content over the edge for me.
I worry about Sebastian. Look what has become of other celebrity animals—Ben Affleck and Ana De Armas walk their dogs so constantly that it seems more like a kind of performance art than pet exercise. And what about the animal formerly known as Piggie Smalls? When Pete Davidson gifted Ariana Grande a baby pig, it made headlines around the world. But after their breakup was out of the news, we never saw that pig again. Is Piggie Smalls bacon now?
I trust the Teigen-Legends to care for their family lizard, even though they are currently on vacation on some kind of multistory yacht, with no lizard in sight.
“It takes a serious commitment to be a responsible owner of a bearded dragon,” according to the Maritime Aquarium in Norwalk, Connecticut. “Beardies can live for six to ten years—and some have lived twice that long!” Watch this space—we’ll be back here in 2040 discussing the life and legacy of Sebastian, bearded lizard and friend of Glamour.
Jenny Singer is a staff writer for Glamour. You can follow her on Twitter.
Originally Appeared on Glamour